Hating Green

Everybody else is doing this. Writing about 20 things they hate. So I will, too. I'll tag Robin at the Other Mother, and Fiddler. Who may respectfully decline if they're in too good of moods to think of what they hate. (You all, of course, don't need to write about hating "green." Just whatever comes to your mind. Izzy Mom's is pretty funny.)

Anyway, here's the list of things that particularly annoy me about being green, or because I'm being green.

1. The revolution is costing us whole paychecks, man. I mean anything organic/healthy/not-going-to-kill-me-with chemicals costs exactly the same as the normal product, Squared. And anybody offering "green" services -- like checking my house for mold, or helping me build a green porch, etc, costs the same price as other handy people, Cubed. l

2. Being called a hippie. I grew up in Utah and can't think of the term as anything but derogatory, and I don't have the chutzpah to decide to "reclaim" the word. I hate it, too, because I think of the hippie kids I knew grewing up, whose parents didn't really look after them in the name of "freedom". I was enough one of those kids that the idea of hippie momming just pisses me off. But, I've said this before.
3. That I am judgemental about hippies.

4. Saying, "We don't hava TV," because it embarasses me. It sounds too much like saying "I'm a vegetarian" sounded about ten years ago. People always wince and get ready for me to start pounding into them about the evils of their tv watching, beef eating lifestyles. For the record, I like TV so much I have to hide it from myself.

5. I hate apologising for not having a television.

6. The hellhoundish squeals of delight squirrels make for days after having destroyed our little garden makes me want to give up my vegetarian ways and make a batch of squirrel stew.

7. My sort of moldy, blackish green thumb that makes my garden in verdant Houston look like its growing in a barren patch of the Sahara.

8. The smell of vinegar which, alas, is my primary cleaning product these days.

9. Co-sleeping when my baby wakes up, slap-happy, at 2 am, in the mood to play with me.

10. When her decision to let me know she's woken up all giddy isn't by the sweet sound of her gurging voice, but by the agonizing digging of her fingernails that have grown three inches longer since she went to bed, into my unsuspecting cheeks, eyes, and/or nostrils.

11. Elimination Communication, when I drop the potty on the bed in the middle of the night, which, thank God, I haven't done in awhile. Knock on wood panelling. Or when I don't position the potty right and my young lady pees on my leg. GROSS.

12. When I think I know she has to poo or pee and I'm wrong, and she looks at me like I' absolutely, completely insane or screams at me like I'm the most insensitive creep she's run into in her six months of life.

13. I hate how things that aren't green are portrayed of as "fun" things, and how greens are portrayed as boring, and how greens fall into the trap by getting the "world-is-ending" tone in their voice that scares the shit out of people and makes them want to drink Margaritas and jump into their Hummers to go on spending sprees at Walmarts.

14. That I have to think of an alternate way to do about 800 normal things that should be done the alternate way in the first place. Like figuring out how to get rid of my cat's fleas without poisioning anybody with the Advantage that has been one of our most beloved friends for the last five years.

15. Water that comes in plastic bottles. I've posted about this fairly recently, already, and plan to write more about it soon, so I won't go into too much detail. THERE IS NO BENEFIT TO BUYING WATER IN A PLASTIC BOTTLE. Except to the Coca Cola company, maybe, and other corporations that have figured out how to sell us something that we KNOW is supposed to be free, it is one of the unmentioned, self-evident rights Tommy J. wrote about when they were planning the first revolution. Buy water filters for your tap. Eighty bucks for a fabulous one with a separate spout, so you don't have to wait for any filtering.

16. Bikram Yoga and Power Yogas. I have done both, will probably do both again because I like yog itself. But I hate how yoga is billed as something green and good when it can be as vapid as any aerobics class. Bikram classes destroy the planet by having their heaters on high all day long, Ashtanga classes are full of competitive yogi vibes that gross me out. Sigh. Probably I'll go to one of the two by the end of the week, though.

17. I hate how mosquitoes don't seem to be aware that my natural mosquito repellent is meant to repel them away from me and my succulent, tasty little baby girl. Yo Skeeters! If it smells like Eucalyptis, YOU ARE NOT SUPPOSED TO LIKE IT. Can I make this any clearer?

18. Shampoos and toothpastes (like Tom's of Maine's, last time I checked) from the healthfood store that still have the icky petro byproducts, or the laurel sulfates.

19. I hate how much plastic comes with parenthood, no matter how much we try to avoid it. And that I'd rather give up chocolate than ZipLocs.

20. Will they ever make a healthy deoderant that works?

Wow. It's over so soon! I must be a real asshole because a few of the other people writing about 20 things they hate wrote about how coming up with 20 things to hate was hard and I feel like I could keep going into the next millenium. Which isn't to say they're bad bloggers, but that I must have a really darkened psyche.