motherhood, d'oh

last week was tough for me, which came as a huge shock.

people say having a baby is hard, and i hear that, and in the back of my head i say yes, having a baby is hard IF the mother has to have a c-section or IF the baby has colic or IF the baby is not healthy or IF the mom has problems breastfeeding or IF the spouse gets jealous of the baby or IF the mom can't stay home with the baby at least a few months or IF neither parent can stay home or IF the mother is doing it on her own or IF one of the parents is very young or IF there are two moms or two dads (so it's frowned upon by society) or IF the mom gets depressed and can't get out of it or IF one of the parents didn't want the baby at all or IF it's the second or tenth baby or IF there isn't medical help available or IF there isn't water to drink nearby or IF bombs are always dropping or IF ...IF you're not me, basically, who has it really easy because my baby is so sweet spirited and lovely and healthy and I am middle-class and in school and so get to stay home and try to raise the baby the way I always imagined I would.

whenever people ask me how its going i say: perfectly. i love it. because babyg is perfect and i love her. because greendady is a terrific, loving, supportive father. i deny being tired, i deny feeling overwhelemed, because i feel like i oughtn't feel any of these things.

so last week, when i was so sad and i felt so isolated, i couldn't figure out what was going on. because i love being babyg's mom and i love her smile and i feel so lucky, i couldn't figure out why i was so sad. and it turns out, i think, that it's simple. it really is hard being a mother. and really, being a mother is half being a mother and then half still being the you that was always a pain in the ass to be to begin with.

i feel a little like a person in aa: my name is magreen, and it is hard to be a mother. even though it could be harder doesn't mean it isn't hard. maybe just admitting it is important? maybe admitting it makes it easier because it takes so much energy denying that it's hard?